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Joe Schmoe - Part One 
24th-Jan-2009 09:56 am

I'm Joe Schmoe.  Of course that's not my real name.  I could tell you that, but then I'd have to kill you.  No really.  I'd have to kill you.  Do you want to know my story or not?  Ok, then.  Let me tell it.

My pop is Big Joe . . . wait . . . I can't tell you that.  We live in Little Sim . . . can't tell you that either. 

So anyway, I met this babe at college.  Her name was Isabella.  We had really hit it off.  One day we were in my room, on the verge of woo-hoo and in walked Pop.  His face turned as white as an old-age ghost and he started shaking all over.  I thought he was having a stroke or something.  Turns out, he knew who Isabella was and he knew that Isabella's pop would be coming after me.  Most likely to put a cap in my ass.

He'd read in the Sim Street Journal about this place called Petalbrook Heights.  Apparently Sim City was giving people grants to move there in order to cut down on overcrowding.  He figured that no one would question a new guy moving into the neighborhood.  Since all of his simoleans were heavily invested, he cashed in my college fund and found me a place to live in this Petalbrook Heights place.

He told me I should never come back because Isabella's family has a very long memory and my ass would be grass if any of them ever saw me around.

I've wanted to be just like Pop for as long as I can remember.  I'm gonna show him.  I'm gonna live in this Petalbrook Heights and before the good people there know what's hit them, I'm gonna own the town.  Lock, stock, and barrel.

I arrived in town in the dead of night and checked into the most anonymous hotel I could find.  The next morning, I set out for my new digs and would you believe this?  The old man had me as far from the rest of the population as possible.  Doesn't matter, though.  I'm still gonna own this place.

Ha!  I don't just live on a cul-de-sac.  I am the cul-de-sac!  First the end of the road, next comes World Domination!

I pulled out my handy-dandy binoculars and started scoping the place out.  I couldn't believe this bull . . . there's nothing to be seen but grass and sky for miles!  And there's nothing here!  I'm Joe . . . Schmoe.  I shouldn't have to live this way.  If I were at home, someone would be paying for this mistake.

I pulled out my newly acquired disposable cell phone and found some people to come out and construct a shelter for me.  Now, mind you, I've only got §5000 left to my name.  The guys also hooked me up with a local "retailer" of used furniture.  I can't be sleeping on the floor.  It's just not the way we . . . Schmoe's do things.

This guy named Rod Humble comes by and rings the bell, even though I'm standing 10 feet away, talking to the paper girl.  What a creep.  He tells me that he's the owner of Humble Electronics and that they are there to serve all of my electronic needs.

After the papergirl left, I scanned the ads for an employment opportunity.  Today's offerings were rather slim:  Test Subject, Security Gaurd (as if), and some other low level wanna-be job.  So I accepted the position as a Test Subject.

This is La Shawn Cameron.  She hitched a ride in my carpool, but the driver was in a hurry and dropped her off at my place.  She said she wanted to get to know me better.  I told her that I was going the be the Dr. Evil of Petalbrook Heights and that I would never see the inside of the local prison.

She said that was totally hot!

I told her I wanted to know more about her too.  She said she was loaded.  Now, I've heard stories about chicks telling potential mates that they're loaded, only to find out that they barely have §1 to call theirs.

Still, I feel some chemistry with La Shawn.  But her hair drives me nuts, so I reached up to brush it outta her face.  Man, is her skin soft!

I was feeling pretty grubby after all those tests the scientists performed on me.  So La Shawn decided to hang out while I washed away some of the funk.

Now, being a test subject pays ok, but I have other plans for my life.  Big plans!  So I check out the paper every day to see what's being offered in this hole.  I have got to expand my digs and buy some real furniture.

Well.  That didn't end so well.  But I still had my job.  I was on my way to World Domination!

See, I told you.  Today a bagman.  Tomorrow World Domination!

People are always walking by this joint.  Pops always used to tell me, "Son, you can never have too many friends.  Or people who owe you."  So, I try to greet these people whenever I can.  Mostly, it's chicks.  They wanna check out the new blood on the block.

This sporty looking chick named Meadow Pederson was checking out my digs one day, so I walked out to meet her.

Damn!  She's hot!  And she digs me too.

See!  I told you she digs me.

Damn.  I really need to get a decent bed.  All that sleeping on the couch is tearing up my back.  And no matter how many sandwiches I eat, I never feel full.  These crappy moods really affected my job performance.  Now, I gotta start all over again.

I took a few days to try to get rested and well fed.  I have to be at my best for my next gig.  In the meantime, I continued to meet and greet the people walking by my house.

This is Lily Do.  She lives in some townhouse on the other side of the river.  She tells me all about this shipwreck of a landlord she has and how he beat her down for no particular reason.  She can't do anything about it because he owns all the apartments in Petalbrooks Heights and she's not ready for home ownership.

I offered to take her downtown to make her forget about her troubles for awhile.  She was really tense, so I rubbed her shoulders a little.  Who knows, maybe I can even score.

Woot!  First base!

Well, I didn't score any woo-hoo, but she did leave this kick ass stereo, which I promptly sold for simoleans!

The week didn't start off too well, but it was certainly looking up.

Just for grins:

This fancy looking chick would not get out of the road so we could go to work.  She digs me.

24th-Jan-2009 12:51 pm (UTC)
Nice title. :O)
24th-Jan-2009 01:25 pm (UTC)
24th-Jan-2009 05:05 pm (UTC)
*giggles* I love it!
24th-Jan-2009 06:17 pm (UTC) - Jen
LOL, I love it, too! Can't wait to read more!
24th-Jan-2009 11:39 pm (UTC)
I love Joe! OMG he's such a brat. ya. she digs you baby! what woman can resist him? None.
ouch. sorry you lost yer job. but you'll get it back you'll see.. and you'll do even better than last time!
World Domination FTW!
24th-Jan-2009 11:41 pm (UTC)
Well, you know. Spoiled little mafia brat. Who would dare not dig Joe?
24th-Jan-2009 11:59 pm (UTC)
HA!! I love how the voices of our Joe's are kinda similar. Big tough guy with brass cahones, who just LOVES the ladies. *cackles* And most of 'em seem to want to take over the world in some fashion. :O) *grins*
25th-Jan-2009 12:01 am (UTC)
My Joe's LTW is to be a Criminal Mastermind. I figure that makes him want World Domination!
25th-Jan-2009 12:37 am (UTC)
*giggles* Oh Joe lives up to that title in the fullest, doesn't he? Legend in his own mind. Yep, he's got that right. But with attitude like that he probably will own all of Petalbrook before you can bat an eye. Well, okay, with job performance like that maybe you'll have to bat your eye a couple times.
25th-Jan-2009 12:48 am (UTC)
Joe knows that a good mattress is key to World Domination!
25th-Jan-2009 01:28 am (UTC)
Ha at LaShawn hanging around while Joe sponge bathes! :-D
25th-Jan-2009 01:44 am (UTC)
Oh man, after reading the full update, I love it even more. Joe is definitely a legend in his own mind. I was cracking up throughout the whole story. Cap in my ass indeed! LOL. This rocks.
25th-Jan-2009 01:54 am (UTC)
You just made my night, Jenba! I'm so happy that everyone is enjoying my Joe.
25th-Jan-2009 03:55 am (UTC)
Haha! I had to totally crack up about the women lying about being loaded and only having §1 to their name.

I also busted a gut at a typo...

"But her hair drives my nuts..."
25th-Jan-2009 10:40 am (UTC)
Bwahahahaha! I definitely didn't notice that one!
25th-Jan-2009 05:41 am (UTC)
Bahahaha your Joe just cracks me up! I love the 'attitude' and personality you've given him - 'cap in my ass', 'ass would be grass' *sigh* it's pure win! Can't wait to see what he get's up to next.
25th-Jan-2009 10:40 am (UTC)
I'm glad you like it! Joe is quite the character. He's very much into the ladies.
25th-Jan-2009 12:48 pm (UTC)
OMG, I laughed so hard! :D I love your Joe. Such a 'tude.

Geez..y'all have such kick-ass Joes... mine is a ladies man, but seems almost lightweight in comparison. (Of course his LTW is to be a world class ballet dancer..maybe that explains it. LOL)
25th-Jan-2009 01:29 pm (UTC)
*snicker* Maybe so. Someone who wants to be a CMM has to have attitude & be kick-ass.
28th-Jan-2009 03:48 pm (UTC) - SGT Heather
I love how he is stuck off on his own little part of the neighborhood. I wonder how he'll mesh with the other citizens of Petalbrook.
29th-Jan-2009 05:31 pm (UTC) - Aeronwy
Hmm, interesting family Joe comes from. And hey, they were only on the -verge- of woohoo! He hadn't actually popped her cherry yet, c'mon. Well, now... *rubs her chin* I wonder just what Joe's LTW could be. *giggles*

Whew, that is one empty neighborhood! Hehe, interesting that he won't have any neighbors closer than across the streets. :-)

Hey, §5,000 and used furniture is better than living on the lawn, bub!

La Shawn is weird. *snickers* Ooo, let's hope this one ain't lying about her fundage! *crosses her fingers* Hmm, looks like she was enjoying watching him sponge bathe himself. Well, okay, she actually looks bored, checking out her fingernails, but that woulda been rude to point out.

Hmm, hard to pull off World Domination when you can't even handle a simple pickpocketing. ;-b

Meadow sure is checking out -all- the Joe's, isn't she! *snicker* But what's that discount furniture business? How would that work?

D'oh! Sorry on getting fired, dude. You should move in La Shawn. Maybe her moolah will get you a decent bed (and she can help you "relax" on it too). *nods*

Man, Anneke never brought Joe anything more than flowers. *pouts*

I'm sure all the chicks dig you, Joe. *rolls her eyes*
29th-Jan-2009 06:10 pm (UTC) - Re: Aeronwy
Crime Lords don't take kindly to their rivals' sons being caught in bed with their daughters whether the deed has been performed or not.

There are actually other families in the 'hood. Joe is just isolated on the edge.

She was cracking her knuckles! Maybe she was getting ready to tackle Joe.

That's a networking bonus from AL. Basically he will get a discount when he buys stuff.

Joe has several 2 bolt matches, so maybe his ego is somewhat justified.
29th-Jan-2009 05:57 pm (UTC)
TDF. I love Joe's whole persona. I have to ask though? In the picture of Joe taking his sponge bath just what is La Shawn measuring with her hands in the background?
29th-Jan-2009 06:12 pm (UTC)
La Shawn is cracking her knuckles. It's one of the hobby animations, but I don't recall which one.
13th-Feb-2009 05:03 am (UTC)
I can just imagine Joe growing up as an overindulged spoiled brat! ha ha He aiming for world domination, but he's a bit lacking in something called a CONCRETE PLAN. ha ha - off to read the next chapter.
13th-Feb-2009 09:04 am (UTC)
Oh, he has a plan. It starts with being a criminal mastermind. He's just having some trouble executing the plan.
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